I noticed something today at a board meeting for a public company that I am working with in the state of Maryland. The board (none of whom I’ve placed personally) are all Ph.D’s and university professors and I feel like I’m sitting there up to my neck in alphabet soup and then it hit me. The reason this company is plummeting into penny sock tar pit land is that these guys are all instructors. Some dumb-ass had the idea that educational pedigree should be at the forefront of the approval process with this company and they ended up bringing on a bunch of tactical thinkers, educators who teach because they cannot do.
These gobbshites sit around using lofty terms to one up each other but at the end of the day have nothing to offer the company except ideas and hypothetical concepts but no strategy or action.
There was a chump next to who didn’t even know what an S1 was, the idiot across from me thought that a PIPE was something you put under the sink and the worse part is that he CEO didn’t even know what a 10k or 10q was.
It was absolutely disgusting. They had given me my retainer check at the beginning of the meeting, believe me, I charge premium dollar for my services when hired for turnaround strategies. As I was looking around the room there were a bunch of dorks with round glasses, cheap suits and each of them had a strange twitch or characteristic that they manufactured so that those around them would be fooled into thinking that this goddamn idiot was an eccentric genius as opposed to a blithering retard. An hour into the meeting I couldn’t take it any more and I stood up and walked over the water-fountain and took a drink and then stood there for a few minutes because I was about to do something stupid, something that normal people just don’t do, something that I would most likely regret when I got home and my wife asked, “how was your day”. I took one more look around the room and then walked up to the table to the left of the CEO and took out the first installment of my retainer check and slapped it down on the table in front of him. The room became dead silent in an instant. “what is this?” he said picking up the check with two fingers as if it were diseased but need to inspect its authenticity. “That’s your retainer, I can’t take your money if these dip shits are all I have to work with in order to turn this company around, I mean look at these jerk offs, are you kidding me?” I then went around the room and started to point out the men that were pissing me off during the meeting and I just unleashed the beast. I went around and pulled out their CV’s (I had them in my briefcase as
part of my strategies material) and began to focus in on them one at a time, pointing to the one guy I wish I could meet in a dark alleyway anytime, “aside from your education, what work experience do you have in this particular industry? Please tell me that you’ve actually worked in the industry that your teaching about?” he was nothing short of a deer caught in the headlights, “wow” I said, “for a moment there thought that the two hour sermon you gave about the intricacies of this industry were based on actual experience but now I see they are just tactical theories you memorized with the other chumps at Penn.” I went on for another 2 minutes and didn’t miss the opportunity to humiliate every single one of these assholes in love with the idea of their own intelligence as opposed to confidence secured in a foundation of years of industry experience and industry firsts and ingenuity.
Listen, if you own a company, private or public, you need a board. Education is important, but professional pedigree is the be all and end all for real, viable board members. Sure they should have a solid education and ongoing adult certifications for the industry but what have they done in the industry that would allow them the authority to step into your company and offer up their advise in exchange for stock and options?
I get so pissed off when I go into a board room and see a group of guys taking the CEO for a ride and of course it’s the CEO’s fault but these guys are also to blame.
When bringing on a board here is the criteria you need to use when putting potential members through the ringer before their election: what is their professional pedigree? Who have they worked for, where did they start with the company and where did they get promoted to before they moved on? For this industry, what lobby groups are they affiliated with to get you built into local and national legislation so that you because the poster boy for a cause where you are the spearhead fr your industry getting free PR, IR, expert panel reviews on radio, TV and university panels. What do their legislative contacts look like and if they are connected, does the legislation being sponsored or co-sponsored by this Politian coincide with your corporate agenda? What universities are they affiliated with and what type of schedule can they place you on for a speaking tour. What types of inter industry corporations are they connected to for fast and easy strategic alliance facilitation? What do their globalization contacts look like? What type of publicity element can they bring to your company with their name? What kind of medications are they taking (look for manic depressants and guys who are on sleep meds and be extra careful with them). What charities are they involved with? What lobby or activist organizations are they affiliated with or connected to and how can you capitalize off of that relationship? What is their motivation for getting on their board? I could go on and on and on and to be honest, I’ve had people walk out of the room when they hear it’s me doing the board evaluations because they know I will find ever piece of dirt they’ve swept under the rug and I’ll drag out every skeleton in the closet that they’ve been trying to hide, Do you surf porn in your basement at 2am? I’ll find out. Do you owe people money for deals gone south? I’ll uncover that within minutes. You need to make the C level positions and board positions so difficult to get and even more difficult to keep that it scares the wrong sort away before you even begin the criteria evaluation.
Don’t be stupid! Look at everyone in business as if they are trying to steal from you and sucker stab you in the hall way before you go home, a little Machiavellian paranoia is healthy and will keep your ‘could be’ successful company from becoming a cautionary tale.
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